“GET OUT!” A voice rang out from behind a closed door.

   Me and Seth were sitting at a table playing cards, when we looked over.

   “Ha, looks like Matthew got caught again,” I told him.

   “Yeah,” Seth replied, “he’s not the greatest at being stealthy when he’s around her,”

   The door opened and Matthew was tossed out, he landed and slid to a stop at my chair.

   I looked down.

   “You’re the quietest person I know, how do you keep getting caught?” I asked, his reply was silence, “…Matthew?”

   Hailey came out of her room and walked over to me.

   “Why aren’t you doing anything to stop him?” She asked angrily.

   I looked up at her.

   “I don’t know, too lazy to think of something, good night,” I said as I instantly fell asleep.

   She kicked me right off my chair.

   “No, you do something right now, I don’t want to constantly stay alert every time I decide to change,” she told me as she went back into her room.

   I stood up and sat back down on my chair, Seth looked at me with a “what were you thinking?” look.

   “You know, if you haven’t given her cleavage of that size this wouldn’t be an issue,” he scolded.

   “Yeah but what are you gonna do, can’t turn back time now,” I replied plainly.

   “YOU can’t turn back time…but I can,” he said running off.

   I sat there bored for a while, looking at my cards, and occasionally looking down at Matthew to see if he was alive yet.

   “Yo Matthew, you alive yet?” I asked loudly, and again the reply was silence, “Oh fine…be that way.”

   I got up and walked off. A few moments later I came back with a large mirror and smashed it over Matthew’s lifeless body.

   “OW!” He yelled as he sat up, “What was that for?”

   “You were dead…so I broke a mirror,” I answered.

   He stood up and regained his balance.

   “Hey Jared can you help me? That relatively new girl is smokin’ hot, and I want to get her…but she doesn’t seem to like me for whatever reason,” Matthew said sounding confused.

   I looked at him like he was some kind of moron.

   “Of course she doesn’t like you, she’s only been around for like what…two weeks? She doesn’t like you because you’re a pervert,” I told him.

   “Well…if I’m a pervert then so are you,” he replied trying to act smart.

   “Quit trying to act smart, you know you are. However, if you want a chance at her then…” I trailed off.

   “…Theeeeeen?” Matthew asked.

   “Then what?” I asked back.

   “What was your plan?”

   “What plan?

   “Your plan to help me,”

   “I was gonna help you?”

   “Yeah to get Hailey,”

   “Who’s Hailey?”

   He punched me in the face out of annoyance.

   “Shut up, I’m just going to go see Seth about this,”

   “Wait! Seth doesn’t exactly…give good advice,” I tried to tell him.

   Later on, we were gathered in Seth’s room, discussing what? I have no idea, but I’m guessing it had something to do with Matthew, since he was with us.

   “And that is that. Any questions?” Seth asked Matthew.

   “Oh, not at all, this is bound to work,”

   I was standing there shaking my head due to the sheer stupidity of this half baked plan.

   “I’m sorry, but I don’t approve due to the sheer stupidity of this half baked plan,” I said out loud.

   “Well I do, and I am the best, so I win,” Matthew replied cockily.

   “Well she obviously isn’t gonna take it the way you do, if you say it like that she’ll probably think you want her to-“

   “Too bad, it’s the greatest plan in the world. Alright Seth! Where is that chocolate stick?” Matthew asked.

   Seth gave it to him and he ran out the door.

   “…Oops, I probably should’ve thought this out more, that sounds wrong,” Seth muttered.

   “What sounds wrong?” I asked.

   “What Matthew’s gonna say. “Wanna lick my chocolate stick?” There’s no way you can say that and NOT get beaten to a pulp,” Seth answered, “unless you show it first…but knowing Matthew…”

   “…Alright alright, I know this is just a teensy tiny bit off topic but…will chickens ever learn to fly?” I wondered.

   “I don’t know, and that was way, WAY off topic, you fail,” Seth replied.

   Matthew blasted through the door and slid to a stop between me and Seth.

   “Ow…” he groaned as he sat up.

   “I told you not to listen to Seth, his advice is worse than Hailey’s cooking, and we should all know how bad her cooking is by now,” I said, everyone agreed.

   “What? Bad advice? You’re obviously jealous, I give great advice, I just have bad luck saying it right without making it sound like its bad advice,” Seth replied.

   “Whatever, your advice blows. Anyway, come on Matthew and I will show you the true way to getting Hailey…or not,” I said walking out of Seth’s room.

   Matthew followed and we walked up to Hailey’s door.

   “Okay Matthew, step one, you have to get her attention, start with a simple hello, or “how are you?” or a “you’re looking nice” statement, you got me?” I asked.

   “Waaay ahead of you, I got it down don’t worry,” he replied confidently.

   “Wonderful, now just knock and tell her, I’m behind you all the way,” I backed him up.

   Matthew raised his hand and knocked on the door, Hailey eventually answered it.

   “What do you want?” She asked.

   “I just wanted to say how lovely your jugs are,” he answered, meeting the same door he was looking at a few seconds earlier.

   “No no no no, Matthew you don’t say that,” I told him hitting the back of his head, “Okay alright, I see where this is going, and frankly I don’t care, but we’ll think of something, and maybe we’ll find the plot for this story somewhere along the way,”

   Me and Matthew sat around discussing ideas, all of them either stupid…never mind they were all stupid. As for the plot, we looked but found nothing, but it’s bound to show up sooner or later.

   “This is hopeless Matthew, if you’re going to come up with ideas don’t incorporate groping or innuendo into it or you’ll never get her,” I said sounding bored while writing on a paper.

   “But there’s no other way to do it,” Matthew replied.

   “Yes there is, there’s plenty of ways, just say “hi”, or “how are you?” you know what I’m saying?” I asked him.

   “Okay…I get it, alright man, this is simple, easy I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before,” Matthew said standing up.

   “So you know what you’re going to say? That’s great, I’ll wait right here,” I told him leaning back in my chair.

   Matthew ran out of the room, but as usual he blasted through the wall again a few moments later.

   “Thought you had a plan?” I asked him, “What happened? Not that I care,”

   “I don’t know, I said hi, then I told her she looks nice, then I told her she smells nice, then I told her…oh…that’s probably why,” he answered standing up and brushing himself off.

   “Why don’t you just give up Matthew? She obviously isn’t interested in you…and for good reasons too. I can’t see why she would be anyway, I mean after that whole issue with the Tae-Kwon-Do outfit and all,” I told him, leaning further back.

   “Hey! I told you I ordered a larger outfit over the phone,” Matthew replied.

   “When was this? The only time I hear you on the phone is when you’re ordering imported po-“

   “Hey…don’t…isn’t this for school? Don’t you have to present this?” He asked me.

   “Yeah it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind if I say pornography will they? Who cares,” I answered.

   We sat around again for a while before Seth walked in.

   “Okay, here is what I figured out. Matthew,” He pointed, “you’re a perverted, otaku, Tae-Kwon-Do master right?”

   “Uh…sure?”

   “And Jared,” he pointed again, “you are someone who doesn’t like thinking out complicated plans right?”

   “Sounds like me,” I replied.

   “Alright, so here’s what I’m thinking.”

   Not a minute later we were outside Hailey’s door again.

   “This is a stupid plan, but it might work,” I said after Seth finished explaining, “Alright, who’s going to get the monkey and unicycle?”

   “Monkey and unic- you weren’t even listening, my plan has NOTHING to do with a monkey and unicycle, why would you bring up something so ridiculous?” Seth asked in disbelief.

   “Awww…” I turned away and looked down at a blue monkey with a unicycle, “sorry Johnson, looks like we don’t need you.”

   “Hwah…” he said hanging his head and walking away sadly.

   “…Right, anyway Matthew go right ahead,” Seth told him.

   Matthew knocked on the door and it opened.

   “You again? Why don’t you leave me alone, I’m obviously not interested in you,” Hailey said poking Matthew.

   “See I told you,” I muttered.

   “Okay, before you kick me a hundred miles away, I just want to tell you one thing,” Matthew replied.

   “Okay fine, make it quick,” Hailey said crossing her arms.

   “Alright…when you are in dire need…I’ll be there, when-“

   “That’s one thing, good bye,” Hailey interrupted kicking him squarely in the chest, sending him quite a distance away, “don’t come back.”

   Me and Seth walked to where he was lying.

   “You think she’ll ever like me?” Matthew asked.

   We both laughed pretty damn hard, before we stopped.

   “Oh…you were being serious,” I answered, “to tell you the truth Matthew, there might be a time...far off in the future, when you will put aside your ways to get the girl you truly love…of course this is just pure speculation am I right? But in all seriousness...no you won’t get her ever.”

   “Great…just the motivation I needed,” Matthew said sarcastically.

   “I’m glad I could help,” I smiled, feeling a sense of accomplishment, “I can now die happily, knowing that I gave someone a powerful motivational speech.”

   “I was kidding, you’re a terrible motivational speaker,” Matthew replied standing up.

   “Awww,” I groaned with all feelings of accomplishment gone, “oh of course! The plot is someone who is trying to get someone but fails…that always gets a happy ending,”

   “No it doesn’t, but I will try to get her until the end of time or when I die…or when I give up,” Matthew replied.

   “Ah Matthew, there’s only one word to describe you,” Seth told him putting his arm around him, “hopeless.”