Sam: *sitting on a chair* I’m bored…we need something to do.

Jared: We can… *scans the room* uhh… *picks up a duck* play with Quacky.

Sam: Man, but Quacky is like…so yesterday. *takes Quacky and tosses him out the open window* Let’s dig around in someone’s personal life to expose their deepest darkest secrets! …Or something. *shrug*

Jared: Sounds like a plan.

AND SO, OUR ANTI-HEROES WENT TO COMMIT EVIL, SECRET EXPOSING DEEDS…OR SOMETHING.

Sam: *pauses* Wait, who are we going after, anyway?

Jared: I don’t know. *takes out a hat and tosses papers in it* This’ll find it out for us. *picks a name by random* We are going after…Leanne.

Sam: Leanne…? You mean Seth’s girlfriend, completely innocent Leanne?

Jared: *nods slowly*

Sam: …Hm…okay! Let’s see just how innocent she REALLY is.

*cue evil and maniacal laughter with lightning in the background*

Jared: Okay let’s go. *walks off*

Sam: Kay. *follows*

*later*

Jared: *hiding behind a tree* I have found our target.

Sam: *peering through those ridiculously huge binoculars again* I think I see…a caterpillar. *brushes it off the lens* Okay, now I see…an ant.

Jared: I’m going to follow her. *runs out from behind tree and walks right behind her*

Sam: Me too! *slaps on her brilliant disguise and follows*

Jared: *following*

Leanne: *stops* … *turns around*

Jared: *turns around with her*

Leanne: *sees a tree in the middle of the sidewalk* …Hmm… *continues on her way*

Sam: That was close. Alright, let’s see what she’s up to now.

Leanne: *goes into a building*

Jared: Where is this? Could this be a planned terrorist attack planned by Seth?

Sam: Maybe she’s secretly doing business deals with Kaian. Or having an affair! *gasp*

Jared: *reads sign above door* Sowp kitchen? …The hell’s a sowp kitchen?

Sam: …That reads ‘Soup kitchen’. You MORON. Hey wait! Soup kitchen? *looks inside and sees Leanne putting on an apron and hair net before going behind the counter*

Jared: *looks too* Of course, now I get it, she was hired by a secret government organization dedicated solely for the extermination of the homeless…she’s working in the soup kitchen and serving poisoned soup to the homeless!

Sam: …Um…

Hobo Jo: *getting a bowl of soup at the counter*

Jared: *gasps and goes all slow motion as he enters* NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *dives and catches a pineapple* Phew, there we go. *puts it on a table* Hobo Jo!!! NOOOO!!!

Hobo Jo: *sits down at a table in regular time and starts eating his soup*

Jared: We’re too late! He’s gone, dead.

Sam: *rolls eyes and goes to the counter* Hey Leanne! I didn’t know you volunteered at places like this.

Leanne: Huh? Oh yeah I do…I’ve been doing this for two years.

Sam: That’s pretty neat. What else are you doing that we don’t know about?

Leanne: You didn’t know about this? I thought I told you all…uh, never mind, I also volunteer at the Humane Society.

Sam: Oooh…I’ve always wanted to do that…I wonder why I’m not. *thinks* Anyway, I guess that’s all the questions I have. Except for one…

Leanne: What’s that?

Sam: …I can’t remember.
Leanne: Oh…well can you get out of the line please?

Sam: Wha? *looks behind her to see a bunch of angry hobos* …Oh. Sorry.

Hobo Shmoe: GET OUTTA MAH WAY

Sam: I thought you died!

Hobo Shmoe: I thought you were GETTIN’ OUTTA MAH WAY

Sam: Fine, FINE! GAWD. *steps aside and goes over to Jared who is sitting with Hobo Jo* Well, I am really doubting there’s any dirt to dig up on Leanne.

Jared: *looks over at her* Maybe not here, but there’s bound to be something deeper below the surface…you watch.

Sam: Possibly…hey, isn’t she adopted or something?

Jared: IS SHE?!?! *goes over to Leanne*

Leanne: Jared? I thought you had a house?

Jared: No, I’m not homeless! *thinks* Or am I?

Leanne: Oh, well sorry about that, what can I help you with?

Jared: Are you adopted?

Leanne: …Not adopted…just living with other orphaned kids.

Jared: YOU’RE AN ORPHAN!? What happened to your parents?

Leanne: Mom died, dad ran off and is presumed dead.

Jared: …Oh…well thank you for the information I really app- YOU LIVE AT AN ORPHANAGE?!?

Leanne: Um, sort of.

Jared: Oh okay, thank you. *goes and sits back down with the others*

Sam: So, she lives in an orphanage, huh?

Jared: YOU KNEW?!?!?

Sam: *flat look* Well you were yelling it so loud, everyone in the soup kitchen knows now.

Jared: Oh…alright then. Hey if she lives at an orphanage…we should find her somewhere to live!

Sam: Eh? …Hm…that’s not a bad idea. We can find someone to adopt her!

Jared: Alright! *goes back over to Leanne* Come with us! We’re going to find you somewhere to live!

Leanne: What? I can’t leave right now, when I’m done…and even then, I have to be released by the orphanage before you can do that.

Sam: Well, if you’re in an orphanage, if you have someone to adopt you then they can do it, right? We shall make it our mission to help you! *generic epic background*

Leanne: Really? You guys would do that?

Jared: Sure.

Leanne: Well alright, I’ll be done in a few minutes.

*two hours later*

Leanne: *leaves with Jared and Sam* Gee, sorry, I guess all the other workers were sick or something.

Sam: Ha…no problem. I got to play checkers with Hobo Jo! Now that was epic.

Jared: Next stop! The orphanage! *flies off in an explosion of flower petals and skittles*

Sam: I had NO idea he could do that. But let’s go. *walks off with Leanne*

AND SO, OUR HEROES ARRIVED AT THE ORPHANAGE…

Jared: *enters with the others* We’re here!

Sam: …Uh…hey, why did we come here if we’re supposed to be finding someone to adopt her?

Jared: We’ll adopt her, then find someone and give her to them!

Sam: …How the HELL are WE going to adopt her?!

Jared: Good point, I’ll figure something out don’t you worry.

*later*

Seto: You want to WHAT?!

Sam: Well, you know…it might be good for us. We could take care of her! *sparkly eyes* Plus, you were adopted too, so it would be grand. Or something.

Seto: *stares* …You know, taking care of a kid isn’t something you should take so lightly.

Sam: But she’s what, fifteen? *turns to Leanne* You’re fifteen, right?

Leanne: Sixteen.

Sam: Oh...right! And really, she wouldn’t mind, would she? Would you? *turns to Leanne*

Leanne: Um…actually… *looks behind her*

Sam: *big sad face* You don’t wanna live with us?

Leanne: No it’s not that…it’s just… *looks at the other kids there*

Sam: …You’d miss your friends?

Leanne: Yeah.

Sam: Uh…you could still visit them! I have no qualms about that! Do you? *looks at Seto*

Seto: *not even listening, is in deep thought*

Sam: …See? No qualms.

Leanne: Alright…I’ll come with you guys.

Peter: *goes up to Sam and Seto* Hello, I’m Peter Everlovinghuman, founder of this orphanage. I see you have taken interest in Leanne here.

Sam: Oh yes! We would love to welcome her into our family. *big thumbs up*

Peter: Well alright then, follow me and I’ll give you the papers. *goes into his office*

Sam: Awesome! *pulls Seto along* You’re alright with this, right?

Seto: …I suppose.

Sam: Nice, nice. *goes into the office with him*

Jared: *standing around* This place is huge, how long have you lived here anyway?

Leanne: Pretty much my whole life.

Jared: Wow.

Leanne: Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye.

Jared: *whips out a box of Kleenex* Here you go. *gives it to her*

*in the office*

Peter: *piling stacks of papers and files onto the desk into two piles* These are yours, and here is the signing sheet. *puts a twenty sheet thick pile of paper in front of Seto*

Seto: *takes them, brings out a pen and begins looking through them*

Sam: What do I do?

Peter: What? Oh yes, here you go. *drops another stack of paper in front of her* More sheets to sign.

Sam: Ah…alrighty then. *grabs a pen off the desk and gets to business*

Seto: *writing so fast and dramatically he rivals Light or Mikami*

*few minutes later*

Seto: *done*

Sam: *only on the second page* …Uh…

Seto: *shakes head and takes the sheets from her to finish*

*more minutes later*

Seto: *looks through the papers a final time before handing them back to Peter* Here.

Peter: Thank you very much. *takes them and puts them back in his desk* It’s been good doing business with you sir, Leanne is now yours.

Sam: Hurray! *gets up and leaves the office with Seto*

Seto: …Why did you want to adopt so suddenly anyway?

Sam: Well…I don’t know. I wanted to help her. *spots Leanne with Jared and a bunch of other kids* Hey Leanne! *walks over* Congratulations miss, you are now Ms. Leanne Hazard Kirkness Kaiba! …Man that sounds weird, anyway, after our wedding you’ll be Leanne Kaiba.

Kid: What? *looks at Leanne* Was that what you couldn’t tell us?

Leanne: Um…yes.

Sam: Aw, don’t worry people, you’re free to see Leanne whenever you want, I promise.

Jared: Yeah, don’t worry, we’ll bring her back, we promise. *laughs maniacally*

Seto: *weird look all of the sudden* …I have a daughter.

Sam: …Yeah…we sure do. *looks at Jared* Stop laughing already.

Jared: *stops immediately* Yes sir.

Sam: Anyway…let’s go home now.

Jared: Yeah come on Leanne let’s g- *sees her and the whole crowd of other kids crying*

Sam: … *waits*

Seto: *crosses arms and leans against the doorway* I’ll call Roland… *brings out cell phone*

Jared: *stands beside Sam* Isn’t this just great?

Sam: *watching Leanne* …I hope so. Those forms took FOREVER to fill out.

Seto: You didn’t even fill any out.

Sam: Yes I did!

Seto: Yeah, the top one. Which only had one spot to sign.

Sam: I had trouble finding it! You be quiet.

Seto: It was the empty spot with the line at the bottom. CLEARLY visible!

Sam: *starts humming* I’m not listening to you…

*later*

Jared: *still standing* … *looks at watch* Come on…any day now.

Sam: Uh…say, Leanne?

Leanne: *looks behind her* Huh?

Sam: Would you want to…stay here for a while before you move in with us? We could even wait until after the wedding, if you’d like.

Leanne: …Really?

Sam: Sure thing. I mean, coming with us now would be really rushing it, huh? We can sort things out first.

Leanne: *stands up* Thank you. *hugs her*

Jared: *sniff* I’m no good at weddings.

Seto: *raises eyebrow* …What wedding?

Jared: I don’t know.

Leanne: *pulls back* I’d like that thank you.

Sam: No problem! I don’t wanna be some crazy mom or something.

*later*

Sam: *leaving with Seto and Jared and waves at Leanne* See you later, Leanne! *gets into the limo*

Jared: Good bye! *waves, gets into the limo but hits his head on the door frame* OW!

Seto: … *just goes in, but waves at her too*

Leanne: *waving back at them* I’ll see you all later!

Roland: *starts the limo and they drive off*

Sam: Well, that was a smashing success! …Man, we got some news for Mokuba, huh Seto?

Mokuba: *sitting in the limo too* What news?

Sam: GAH! When did you get here?

Mokuba: I was here when you got in, I just got off of school…

Sam: Oh… *Bill Cosby voice* Now you see!

Seto: …We’ll talk at home.

Mokuba: *shrug* Okay.

Leanne: *watches them turn a corner*

Peter: *walks up beside her* So they’ll come back later eh?

Leanne: Yeah.

Peter: That’s alright…just come back in when you want. *goes back inside*

Leanne: *standing there for a while* ...Why the HELL did I agree to that!?

END